Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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