Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
