the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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