It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
