Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
