I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
