Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
