I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
