We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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