i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
