My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
