Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
