There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
