VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
