the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Threesome in a minivan. New low
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
