Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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