There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
