I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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