i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
