The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
