Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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