It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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