Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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