Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
