Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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