It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
