somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
