My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
