I wish my penis had an off switch
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
