"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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