All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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