Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
