Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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