so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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