A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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