he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
