guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
