These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
