he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
