Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
