Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
