Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
