I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
