So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
