you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
