Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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