New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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