he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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