Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
