I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Text me some of your sweat
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
