Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.