If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
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he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
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Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me