Swine flu. Run for my life!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
