If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
