I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
