3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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