I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
