i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
