I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
