am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
